I’m being stalked. For the past 6 months, a brother has been catching me on Facebook and email, EVERYDAY, asking me to help him find a spouse. But I can’t. He wants to know what the problem is and I keep telling him, it’s not ME, it’s not my job to find you a spouse! I mean, I feel bad but I know that this issue is larger than me and larger than this one brother.
I kept saying, keep in mind, marrying a good Muslim wife that will help you fulfill your goal of Jannah (in the hearafter and in this life) is not the same as picking up a girl in the club or on the street. You are looking for quality, not just a woman. So in light of that, today I’m putting forth Zarinah’s 7 step plan to find a good Muslim wife.
Purify your intentions! Please don’t ask anyone to help you find a spouse if you have not really thought about WHY you want one. In the above case, the brother has good intentions, he wants to have a halal outlet for physical desires, he wants to be a father, he wants support, he just plain ole wants a family! But what I’ve discovered with him and others is that many times the reason to get married is simply the first one: physical needs. Please, that is not enough to sustain a marriage and women can often pick up the “sex only” scent from a mile away. Purify your intentions!
Check the age difference! If you want to have children, that does not mean you need to marry a teenager or someone in their early twenties. I’ve heard, “well I want a family so I only want to marry someone who is young.” Although less frequent, there are women who bear children well into their late 30s and early 40s. We as a community are past the “half your age + 7″ marriageable age range (if you don’t know what I’m talking about see the film Malcolm X ), so please be realistic. In my opinion, a realistic age difference is anywhere from 1-10 years. Any more than that is just plain on unrealistic! To put it plainly, if you are going on 40 and above, don’t expect to marry a 20-something sister. And if you are near retirement and social security, marry someone your age! There are plenty of beautiful, fun loving mature sisters looking for a good husband.
Get active. People have jobs, school, and responsibilities, but that does not negate the fact that each one of us has the responsibility to get active in our Muslim community. The best place to find a Muslim spouse is in a Muslim environment – i.e. at the Masjid or Muslim functions. So get active, get involved and get to know people as a person….not someone who just comes around when they are looking to get married.
Check the shyness. Yes, Muslim women are to be put up on a pedestal, but that does not mean we are unattainable. Most Muslim women I know are open to being approached – in a RESPECTFUL manner. So put on your best game. And, this may be a shocker – but many women don’t care how much you make! They just want someone who has a good spirit, treats them nicely and is striving to please Allah. You don’t have to be a millionaire to do that. Just have a decent job or student loan (smile) and come strong! That being said, don’t be afraid to let people know you are looking for a wife.
Check your life outside of the masjid. Don’t have a masjid life and a street life. Strengthen your relationship with Allah. No, you don’t have to be perfect but don’t have club pictures of you and 4-5 women on your side on your facebook page and then come talking about “I want a sister on her deen.” Get on your deen and then worry about the sister!
Be presentable! The Prophet (saw) was one whose clothes were clean, who smelled good and was well groomed. Most ladies take care of themselves and we want our men to take care of themselves too! We understand if you are a man who works with his hands (i.e. a mechanic, painter, etc). We understand and we respect that. But if you are coming to the masjid just plain ole dirty with no excuse…that is just nasty and a total turnoff! In addition, it’s not all about money with sisters, but we do like men who respect themselves and take pride in their appearance.
Understand that American women are strong. Women are different, we have different personalities, different likes and dislikes. But there is a common theme in America, many of us don’t expect to be housewives for all our lives. We go to school, we work, we’re active and we want to achieve personal goals. So be prepared to share the housework and other chores. Be prepared to support your wife in her career. Be prepared to have a spouse that may make more money than you! But all in all, be prepared to be a man (in all senses of the word!) (Side note, some women do indeed want to be a housewife, perhaps while raising the children – these things should be discussed!)
If you follow the above 7 steps, I promise (with Allah’s permission) that you will be married much sooner than later! I’m open to all RESPECTFUL feedback Next article: 7 steps to keep a happy wife!
Email Zarinah: firstname.lastname@example.org.